Please form an orderly FMQueue

I was at FMQs yesterday, and since I am inexplicably still considered to be a political blogger, I thought I should share this piece with you.

IAIN Gray accused Alex Salmond of playing politics by burying his party’s council tax plans under the onslaught of news on Alistair Darling’s pre-Budget report.

Labour leader Gray asked the First Minister at First Minister’s Question Time if he had chosen to publish the SNP government’s response to the consultation on their plans for a local income tax on Monday because it coincided with the Westminster pre-budget report.

Mr Gray said: “Monday’s pre-budget report was described in the media as the biggest budget statement since World War II – all eyes were on it. Is that then why the SNP government chose Monday to publish their response to the consultation on Mr Salmond’s so-called local income tax? Did the First Minister think no one would notice?”

Mr Gray demanded that the First Minister dumped his plans for a local income tax, calling Mr Salmond to “do what is right for Scotland’s economy and Scotland’s working families”.

He cited the example of Chancellor Alistair Darling who acted speedily on Wednesday to rectify his “mistake in raising whisky duty by 8 per-cent in his pre-Budget report”.

“He fixed it in 48 hours,” said Mr Gray of the Chancellor’s U-turn. “The First Minister is making a far more damaging mistake with his local income tax – will he fix his mistake and drop this policy now?”

Alex Salmond responded to this proposal by claiming his local income tax plans had received overwhelming support in every single opinion poll on the tax – which is based on the ability to pay, and undermined Mr Gray’s example of Mr Darling’s U-turn.

He said: “I don’t think Alistair Darling’s summersaults on the whiskey tax give much confidence that the pre-Budget review was carefully worked out. I welcome the about-turn on the whiskey tax because it might forecast about turns on other aspects of this policy.”

Mr Salmond also expressed his upset at the £500 million he believes will be cut from the Scottish budget in 2010 as a result of Alistair Darling’s £5 billion cuts UK wide.

He followed this by characterising the changeable nature of the Labour government at Westminster.

He said: “What we have got is a tax give-away next year followed by spending cuts in 2010 – John Maynard Keynes to Milton Friedman with no intervening period.

“New Labour to hard Labour – and Iain Gray had better get used to it because it’s going to undermine and hold below the waterline his entire political attack.”

He added, rounding off his attack on Gray and the Labour party: “In a phrase – you’re sunk!”

Annabel Goldie seconded Mr Gray’s attack in her questions during First Minister’s Question Time.

She said: “Iain Gray is absolutely right in his condemnation of the SNP’s local income tax. Unfortunately for Iain Gray, he is a man with no plan himself,” in reference to an interview with Gray in the Sunday Times on October 4, cited by Alex Salmond in a previous answer.

Salmond quoted Gray, saying: “’We don’t have our own proposals,’ he said candidly, ‘We went into the 2007 election with a proposal to try and make the council tax fairer and it didn’t add up. Central to our new manifesto is a properly worked out suggestion about how we can make the council tax fairer.’”

However, Mr Salmond criticised Mr Gray for not being forthcoming with these plans, quoting from the same article: “’I’ve always resisted being asked to do that immediately on the back of a fag packet. We made that mistake once before.’”

Miss Goldie demanded to know if the tax rate of 3 pence in the pound set by Salmond was going to be higher than proposed.

She based the question on the revelation of the £281m subsidy needed to fund the council tax having now more than doubled due to the economic circumstances the rate was calculated at having been “smashed to smithereens” by the credit crunch.

Miss Goldie said: “The First Minister is either deluding himself or he’s conning the public, because even in his own government no one has disputed the burgeoning black hole.”

The Tory leader added: “For the First Minister’s sums to add up there would have to be a 25% increase in income tax revenues in just one year.

“It isn’t going to happen; it’s total self-delusion.”

 

However, Mr Salmond claimed the local income tax was needed to introduce the freeze on council tax.

He said: “Given that David Cameron, in the House of Commons on Monday, stood up and extolled the virtues of a council tax freeze, said how important a council tax freeze was to restore the economy; can Annabel Goldie not follow in the line of her own party leader and complement and continue to support the government when we give help to hard pressed families?”

Alex Salmond said the reason the SNP wished to introduce the council tax freeze was the 40 per-cent increase by the Tories in government, then a further 60 per-cent over ten years by the Labour government, referring to both parties as “the unheavenly twins of the council tax”.

This political blogging business is taking me over: I decided to write my dissertation on MPs who blog (which is as good an excuse as any to spend hours on end reading Tom Harris’ blog); and next week I may have some more political goodies for you, as I have the biggest interview of my career so far with the one and only Annabel Goldie! 

Actually, on that first part, I was in the library on Tuesday night trying to code blogs, when my work called asking why I was an hour and a half late for a shift… This dissertation business has made me lose all sense of reality, and I haven’t even started it yet.

Avez Vous Un Alumette?

I’m sending this album review into a magazine I write for, but since this blog serves as a collage of my obsessions expressed in semi-clear English, I thought I would publish it here too. Something tells me I shouldn’t, but since the editor has no idea that this blog exists, where’s the harm?

When Lady GaGa’s debut album The Fame hits UK shelves on January 13 next year she is set to be a huge hit with UK audiences – and to be on the best of terms with Radio One playlists.

The 22 year old American artist – and I don’t use the term lightly – has gone down a storm in the US, Australia and in Europe with her infectious singles, unique image and inspired stage shows.

Radio friendly singles (with YouTube friendly videos) “Just Dance”, “Poker Face” and “Beautiful, Dirty Rich” show a flair for songwriting and production from the team behind The Fame, and instantly let GaGa’s audience know that she is not just another dance-pop singer.

Lady GaGa hammers her credentials home by wearing her influences on her sleeve – or rather on her face.

More often than not, GaGa wears an Aladdin Sane lightning bolt down one cheek in reference to the man who brought electro to mainstream audiences, David Bowie.

The pseudonym GaGa comes from the Queen song Radio GaGa, given to her by a producer trying to make sense of her musical style – with the title of Lady appropriated by GaGa herself.

However, these highly respected musical influences fade to background noise at certain times throughout the album, pushing the more mainstream pop precedents of Gwen Stefani, Nelly Furtado and Madonna to the forefront.

Some album tracks, such as “Love Game”, “Eh Eh (Nothing Else To Say)” and “Boys, Boys, Boys” can seem empty, simplistic and pointless compared to their radio-play garnering counterparts: essentially, these tracks are filler material.

At best, these tracks each provide three minutes of respite from the captivating chorus of “Poker Face” which is sure to resonate for days through the brain of anyone who has heard it at least once, even when it is not playing; at worst, these songs are forgettable fluff with obvious chord progressions, highlight GaGa’s weakness as a lyricist and reek of Paris Hilton’s thankfully failed musical career.

The Fame does contain a few hidden gems among the cotton wool filler tracks – “Brown Eyes” is a slow, piano driven song with a nice, bluesy guitar riff reminiscent of Kate Nash.

This track, along with “Again, Again” show real versatility to Lady GaGa’s style.

The danceable Ting Tings-meets-Daft Punk title track and minimalist rock-and-roll tune “SummerBoy” are also highlights, regardless of the latter’s bad timing due to the winter release.

The Fame is an impressive debut album from an artist who has serious chart potential, but her one woman campaign to prove that – in her words – “Pop music will never be low brow” sadly just misses the mark.

This is an artsy video Lady GaGa created in the vein of some gutsy French cinematographer – the best type of marketing. It takes a couple of minutes to get you hooked, then she goes all surreal and makes you love her. If only the line “Hello…. you my bitch or what?” worked in real life…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvsK7NlFlr0&NR=1

And this is the incredible video for Poker Face. Try not to get addicted - I dare you.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=GFpY8XAPxkU&NR=1

Cold War or Cold Turkey

As relieved as I am that she has not been handed the keys to any weaponry larger than an assault rifle, I am genuinely concerned about the amount of press coverage that Sarah Palin will be able to garner in coming months. As the fear of Cold War II – caused by her absolute ignorance of foreign policy – falls, so does her newsworthiness.

Journalists worldwide are already writing about her from a sober “she can’t get me here with her hunting rifle” perspective – a massive contrast to the frantic ”oh dear sweet Jesus, this ignorant, tits-for-brains hillbilly could be in charge of the entire world and we’re all going to die!!” style, which ended only days ago.

Paparazzi photos will be few and far between from Wasilla now that she is no longer a threat to world peace, world hunger, environmental health issues across the USA, animal welfare or black people. In fact, we are solely depending on angry members of the Republican campaign releasing details about her personality or IQ for her to even appear in mainstream news, blaming her for the party’s election failure – at least until her 2009 calendar is released. And even then, she may only have pictures of Miss January and Miss May (please, God, let her be wearing a different name-sash for every month!) winking suggestively to the Daily Mail readers who will be staring unquestionably at what could have been one of the world’s top politicians in a sexy-cum-God-fearing bikini.

I just don’t think voters thought this one through. I mean, sure, Obama isn’t a scary old man with a Dr Who-style cyberman for a wife (just look at Cyndi McCain’s eyes and tell me she’s human), and Joe Biden’s grasp of foreign policy unquestionably includes knowledge that Africa is, in fact, a continent; but with Palin’s face out of the papers, has her celebrity been forced to come to a sudden halt? How will Hello! magazine readers deal with not knowing what funny name Bristol gives her child? How will they cope without extensive comment from its redneck father? What about Palin’s grief when the war she supported leads directly to the death of her eldest son Track in Eye-Rack? Or the Katona-style accusations piled upon her when pictures of the mother of five smoking pot during her latest pregnancy are released and she is directly blamed for baby Trig’s Downs Syndrome?

I would make wild accusations and defamatory statements about the rest of Palin’s family, but I forget their names – and that is exactly my point. Palin is a far worthier – and better looking – celebrity than, say, Paris Hilton. Yet, Palin is even LESS suitable as a presidential candidate than Paris! I think that shows real talent.

Palin should be releasing singles, going to film premieres – maybe even being in the films herself! Samantha Bond has reportedly hung up her Miss Moneypenny spectacles for good, and I see no reason why she can’t be recast as a sexy Canadian librarian with a penchant for answering every intercom message with a spunky “you betcha!”. Or maybe she should just turn up one day on The Hills as Lauren Conrad’s new best friend and never leave. Judging from her recent on-screen performances during the Republican Campaign, her appearance on Saturday Night Live and the already-infamous Naylin’ Paylin’, Mrs Palin is quite the actress.

These are only suggestions, but Palin should seriously consider them if she wishes to stay in the public eye – and God only knows she does. Everybody knows that the number-one most powerful and desirable thing in life - and therefore what Jesus wants us to acheive – is fame. Even moreso than money. I’m not simply being facetious and sarcastic here: if Palin is able to boost her falling profile, she may be able to keep people like Tina Fey in a job; and how would this strip club keep its customers without Palin’s warped, Dolly Parton-esque “it costs a lot to look this cheap”, hockey mom style?

She should be given her own talk show on one of the big US television channels – one that is broadcast globally – and made to interview other celebrities. Not to interview politicians in the Couric style, of course; not even to interview someone as heavyweight as Oprah. She should be restricted to Britney and below: hillbillies and managed-by-Republican-voters-from-Nashville preteen superstars like Miley Cyrus. And second rate actresses that are going nowhere – the Rumer Willis set.

Essentially, without telling her directly, Palin should be encouraged to move out of public office and into a far less endangering line of celebrity – one which encourages her ignorance as opposed to highlighting it like it was really detrimental to her career. She could be the new Ricki Lake. You can see it, can’t you? You betcha! It really is just too funny watching her squirm under the watchful public eye for us to stop looking just yet – and too important. Even when it comes to national security, sometimes prevention is the best cure. It is your duty and mine as citizens of the world to stop this woman from becoming our pro-life dictator. We must pacify her thirst for fame by watching her catchphrase-riddled TV attempts, especially around 2011/12. She must be kept under no illusions – we DO want her on our televisions, we DO want her in a sharp suit; but we do not want her anywhere near a trigger that could set off World War III.

The Resolution of a Ridiculous Man

Sometimes I really hate this country – specifically the weather. The other night, there was the most distraught looking fog covering my street, and it is getting too cold to stand outside for more than five minutes. Even when I’m just sitting about the house, it’s too cold to remove myself from the bed.

The other night, I came home in the taxi of my favourite driver – not only does he let me smoke in his car, he gives me cigarettes and a light – and we were discussing this depressing weather. He made reference to the fact that we had no summer to offset the cold.

Now, we are already being bombarded with television adverts for Christmas – the first being Tesco’s completely inappropriate advertisment for toys. Why are they trying to whip children up into a toy-frenzy at the beginning of November?! No child can sustain excitement for so long. I suspect Tesco are trying to catch the idiot-mother-buying-presents-now market as well as the omg-my-child’s-head-has-exploded market; hoping that the latter group will be buying first aid kits from their supermarket along with the weird pig-thing from the adverts which inexplicably requires batteries.

Anyway, the point of this rambling is that I have become unable to work – uni work has come to a complete dead end – and am somehow shifting my focus ahead by two months. Specifically, I have been thinking about new years resolutions.

Last year, for 2007, I wrote quite a comprehensive essay detailing my new year’s resolution. However, for 2008, I don’t seem to have bothered. The entry in my diary closest to this date a year ago (Sunday, 9th September, 2007) reveals that I was considering leaving my course and applying for an English Literature and Politics undergrad degree. I did actually try to apply for a course around this time, but soon forgot about it – possibly because I was getting confident in (or just too busy) with the course I evidently stuck with; possibly because I hate filling in forms.

The impression I get from this pre-2008 entry, and the subsequent entries which begin again a week into January, is that nothing was ventured and nothing was gained. I set out no goals and achieved nothing – at least in terms of things which one sets out in a resolution!  That sounds negative, from a superficial point of view – I did pass my degree this year, but that was something I had already set my mind to. The point is that I see a resolution as a time to change one’s outlook, or habits. I think the end of this year signals the time for me to consider my own mindset. The 2007 resolution worked well in my favour, but it needs to be updated for 2009. Obviously.

I don’t have much else to contribute right now, other than that I think this short story, The Dream of a Ridiculous Man by Dostoevsky should be read. I read it lastnight and it is so powerful – a great example of the great man’s writing.