Much Like Josef Fritzl, I Don’t Do Fat Chicks.

One of the best things about journalism compared to prose writing is that a journalist can get a high word count very quickly. It’s very similar to creative writing, except that instead of having to think of interesting and novel ways to tell a story from different viewpoints, this is done automatically by quoting relevant people. I use a prosaic style in this blog, each entry of which is usually around (or way over) 1000 words. So, in true lazy writer-of-journalism form, here’s an anecdote copied and pasted from instant messenger transcripts:

David – New blog, 27/05/08 says (16:42):
homer simpson was in my work lastnight

Frew says (16:42):
go on

David – New blog, 27/05/08 says (16:42):
right
trying to close early
had everything finished by 10
ready to shut the door
and about 30 men all run in and ruin it

Frew says (16:43):

David – New blog, 27/05/08 says (16:43):
half of them with annoying american accents
n i mean fucking annoying
so we were ripping them off for drinks left right & centre

Frew says (16:43):

David – New blog, 27/05/08 says (16:43):
but the tallest, fattest, loudest one
oh my god
i’ve never heard anything so loud
he was jst shouting at everyone
David – New blog, 27/05/08 says (16:44):
n was about 6’8
he was fucking homer simpson!!!!
he looked exactly like him
anyway

Frew says (16:44):

David – New blog, 27/05/08 says (16:44):
the bar shuts

Frew says (16:44):
did you call him homer

David – New blog, 27/05/08 says (16:44):
fuckin quarter to 12
well, it was 20 to 12, but we lied
and fuckin homer stoats up to the bar
TWO TENNENTS
EXTRA COLD!!

David – New blog, 27/05/08 says (16:45):
“i’m sory, the bar is shut”
CUE THE MOST FUCKING RIDICULOUS ARGUMENT EVER
he wanted us to all go to the toilet
and wait there until he had taken everything he wanted

Frew says (16:45):

David – New blog, 27/05/08 says (16:46):
because in his infinite wisdom, this was a caveat to the licensing laws
eventually, after about 5 minutes of him going “OH MAN, YOU BEEN WORKING ALL NIGHT, YOU MUST GOTTA GO PEE, HUH!?”
he gave up
David – New blog, 27/05/08 says (16:47):
15 minutes later, i asked him to get out so we could lock the doors
his face was just perfect
that made my night.
i hate him.

Frew says (16:47):
what a fucking butt-head
you shoulda locked him in th bog

David – New blog, 27/05/08 says (16:47):
yeah, because he GOTTA GO PEE!!!!!!!

One of my favourite words is “articulate”.

The look Homer gave me as I asked him, kindly, to finish his drink and move outside showed that he could not articulate his problem with me and the rest of the staff. On the surface of it, perhaps he felt that he had not had all he wanted to drink, and that the licensing laws were archaic and intrusive.

From what he kept repeating to us about how “YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO RUN A BUSINESS AND MAKE MONEY, RIGHT!?!? LIKE, NOONE HERE’S GOING TO SAY ANYTHING IF YOU BREAK THE LAW!!”, I sensed that there was another problem that he was too stupid to articulate; a problem which loud, inarticulate Americans in general struggle with outside the states.

His problem was that he was a jet-set imperialist – in the UK not to experience a different country’s culture, but to act as if he was in his own “back yard” and complain when anything was not done the correct, capitalist way; all the while thinking he was better than us because of the birthplace named on his passport. Essentially racism. I knew exactly why he gave me such a dirty look when I asked him to leave: he was not used to, and did not expect, such ill treatment in the form of following the law and disinterest in making a “quick buck”.

Maybe that’s not how it’s done in Florida, but if I personally went anywhere else in the world, I would try to blend in and experience a different way of living – isn’t that the point of world travel? If I was in Rome, I would not act like the Romans. I would not try to raze the city and impose my religion and government and language and army on them. Rather, I would act like the Italians. That’s my problem with Homer Simpson right there in a nutshell: he was a capitalist, imperialist pig who made me stay at work two hours longer than necessary – and if that doesn’t make me left wing, I don’t know what does.

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