The Little Green Cameras Are Following Me

I have always wanted to be a Big Brother contestant. I am not really interested in the plastic fame that comes with a little TV exposure; nor am I interested in the money at the end (I’m too weird to win Big Brother, so that was never an issue). Actually, both of these reasons – the exposure and the harrowing experience of not winning – are the reasons I would never apply. That, and my general complacency. Anyway, the single reason I would go on Big Brother is because at the end of it, I would have zillions of hours of video footage of myself acting and reacting with other people. I would see how well I mix with others, have an accurate idea of what I look and sound like – as opposed to the distorted impressions one gets from mirrors and the echoes inside your head when one speaks – and essentially, I would have a greater self-awareness.

You may think that watching several days’ or weeks’ worth of footage (in one long, hazy sitting, reminiscent of the Bowie song Sound And Vision) of oneself – doing pretty much what one should have been doing during those lost days spent behind the pale blinds that have been drawn all day, saying and doing nothing in a dark room lit to electric blue as the television brings its audiovisual gifts – is pretty perverse. Well let me tell you – it bloody well is! But can you think of a better way to learn about yourself? Humans learn about our appearance by looking at a mirror image. The mirror is backwards, and distorted. Look at a photo of yourself, it is different to your self-perception because the mirror is wrong! Similarly, the way humans have traditionally learned about their own personalities is by reflecting off other people. And, similarly, the impression we get is distorted! People are conservative when it comes to feedback about personalities. Reactions are planned out and cushioned as opposed to raw and true (because most people think if they tell the truth, they will cause upset). Ask an aquaintance about your personal qualities – good and bad – and you will receive an ego massage as opposed to a photo-realistic idea of your character.

So if a person gets all their feedback from machiavellian yes-men, how can they improve their character? There’s really no way to make such personal improvements unless you have primary sources. Footage from Big Brother would make some fantastic primary source material.

Big Brother comes with so much baggage though, as I mentioned. So, recently, I did the next best thing. At a party, I set up my digi-cam in my friend’s kitchen secretly on a shelf and wandered nonchalantly into the frame. The results were pretty good, for what it was worth. Ten minutes of swigging beer and chatting about music-and-junk with an old friend later – with extraneous voices booming over that of the primary target – but I found that the exercise did not really live up to my expectations. And how could it? Ten minutes of footage, conversation with a select group of friends, nothing new to react to, legs not even nearly in the shot – Big Brother was watching, but he only saw a brief vignette. Still, I genuinely think that a need for self-awareness/-improvement could be fulfilled by watching hours upon hours of footage of oneself in different situations.

However, I do not think that the majority of contestants – if any – are interested in anything beyond the scant fortune and even more elusive fame. Thus, I implore you to saturate the letterbox of any contestant in the upcoming Big Brother series whom you find to be particularly deplorable, with fair and balanced commentary on their personality defects. Otherwise known as hate mail.

Speaking of hate mail, I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but for those who do not know, the MySpace page of one of my all-time favourite bloggers (or bLaAgUrZz) has been deleted. Yes, Hyphy Ghetto Mami has sadly left said internet community. Her departure has left a massive hole in the illegible and illiterate myspace-blogosquare (not blogosphere – have you read a myspace blog before?!). Who will fill Hyphy’s massive hole? Apparently noone, since MySpace is on the decline. Then again, Hyphy Ghetto Mami’s page was, from the beginning, just a big advert to get her hole filled; but we won’t go into that…

For those who do not know, Hyphy Ghetto Mami was a little-known internet phenomenon. Essentially, it was the page of a “tHyCk bYtCh” – fat white trash – who posted email correspondence with people who refused her friend requests as blogs, written in her own, totally original, uP aNd DoWn StYlE WrItIng (it takes a minute to learn and a lifetime to master!). Such blogs caught the attention of “HaTaZ” worldwide, and soon, the beast herself was subject to abuse from overzealous MySpacers. Including me.

This is not the first time I have mentioned her in a blog, and you can check out the fake profile someone has made for her – minus the blogs, sadly, but worth it for the pictures.

If you’re reading this, hYpHy GhEtTo MaMi, please come back to the internet! We need you! Join WordPress!! Or, go on Big Brother – you’re about the only person I’d watch more closely than myself…

Any news on Mami would be very much appreciated, from any source. Please let me know where she is today if you have any leads.*

*McDonalds does not count as a lead.


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