Cold War or Cold Turkey

As relieved as I am that she has not been handed the keys to any weaponry larger than an assault rifle, I am genuinely concerned about the amount of press coverage that Sarah Palin will be able to garner in coming months. As the fear of Cold War II – caused by her absolute ignorance of foreign policy – falls, so does her newsworthiness.

Journalists worldwide are already writing about her from a sober “she can’t get me here with her hunting rifle” perspective – a massive contrast to the frantic “oh dear sweet Jesus, this ignorant, tits-for-brains hillbilly could be in charge of the entire world and we’re all going to die!!” style, which ended only days ago.

Paparazzi photos will be few and far between from Wasilla now that she is no longer a threat to world peace, world hunger, environmental health issues across the USA, animal welfare or black people. In fact, we are solely depending on angry members of the Republican campaign releasing details about her personality or IQ for her to even appear in mainstream news, blaming her for the party’s election failure – at least until her 2009 calendar is released. And even then, she may only have pictures of Miss January and Miss May (please, God, let her be wearing a different name-sash for every month!) winking suggestively to the Daily Mail readers who will be staring unquestionably at what could have been one of the world’s top politicians in a sexy-cum-God-fearing bikini.

I just don’t think voters thought this one through. I mean, sure, Obama isn’t a scary old man with a Dr Who-style cyberman for a wife (just look at Cyndi McCain’s eyes and tell me she’s human), and Joe Biden’s grasp of foreign policy unquestionably includes knowledge that Africa is, in fact, a continent; but with Palin’s face out of the papers, has her celebrity been forced to come to a sudden halt? How will Hello! magazine readers deal with not knowing what funny name Bristol gives her child? How will they cope without extensive comment from its redneck father? What about Palin’s grief when the war she supported leads directly to the death of her eldest son Track in Eye-Rack? Or the Katona-style accusations piled upon her when pictures of the mother of five smoking pot during her latest pregnancy are released and she is directly blamed for baby Trig’s Downs Syndrome?

I would make wild accusations and defamatory statements about the rest of Palin’s family, but I forget their names – and that is exactly my point. Palin is a far worthier – and better looking – celebrity than, say, Paris Hilton. Yet, Palin is even LESS suitable as a presidential candidate than Paris! I think that shows real talent.

Palin should be releasing singles, going to film premieres – maybe even being in the films herself! Samantha Bond has reportedly hung up her Miss Moneypenny spectacles for good, and I see no reason why she can’t be recast as a sexy Canadian librarian with a penchant for answering every intercom message with a spunky “you betcha!”. Or maybe she should just turn up one day on The Hills as Lauren Conrad’s new best friend and never leave. Judging from her recent on-screen performances during the Republican Campaign, her appearance on Saturday Night Live and the already-infamous Naylin’ Paylin’, Mrs Palin is quite the actress.

These are only suggestions, but Palin should seriously consider them if she wishes to stay in the public eye – and God only knows she does. Everybody knows that the number-one most powerful and desirable thing in life – and therefore what Jesus wants us to acheive – is fame. Even moreso than money. I’m not simply being facetious and sarcastic here: if Palin is able to boost her falling profile, she may be able to keep people like Tina Fey in a job; and how would this strip club keep its customers without Palin’s warped, Dolly Parton-esque “it costs a lot to look this cheap”, hockey mom style?

She should be given her own talk show on one of the big US television channels – one that is broadcast globally – and made to interview other celebrities. Not to interview politicians in the Couric style, of course; not even to interview someone as heavyweight as Oprah. She should be restricted to Britney and below: hillbillies and managed-by-Republican-voters-from-Nashville preteen superstars like Miley Cyrus. And second rate actresses that are going nowhere – the Rumer Willis set.

Essentially, without telling her directly, Palin should be encouraged to move out of public office and into a far less endangering line of celebrity – one which encourages her ignorance as opposed to highlighting it like it was really detrimental to her career. She could be the new Ricki Lake. You can see it, can’t you? You betcha! It really is just too funny watching her squirm under the watchful public eye for us to stop looking just yet – and too important. Even when it comes to national security, sometimes prevention is the best cure. It is your duty and mine as citizens of the world to stop this woman from becoming our pro-life dictator. We must pacify her thirst for fame by watching her catchphrase-riddled TV attempts, especially around 2011/12. She must be kept under no illusions – we DO want her on our televisions, we DO want her in a sharp suit; but we do not want her anywhere near a trigger that could set off World War III.

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2 responses to “Cold War or Cold Turkey

  1. The mixture or attraction and repulsion is fascinating. So many men have said “I hate her politics but I’d sure like to do something out of a porno with her…”
    And the Miss Moneypenny idea is pure genius, someone should discretely whisper this to EON Productions.
    It’d be fairer though if her children don’t have disastrous lives – it’s not their fault that she’s their mommy after all, and haven’t they suffered enough?

  2. Pingback: » Cold War or Cold Turkey Joe Biden On Best Political Blogs: News And Info On Joe Biden

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