Reader, I mugged him!

I was on the train on Tuesday night and a girl who looked just like Grace Slick got on my carriage somewhere around Anderston. I mean she REALLY looked like Grace Slick. I could hear White Rabbit starting to play in my head. The weirdest thing was, though, was when I saw what she was reading: Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. I wonder how conscious she was of this consonance.

Life is getting back on track after the nice honeymoon period that followed new year. Honeymoon period referring to, specifically, the fact that instead of sleeping or working, I drank. It was my birthday on January 2nd, I worked the 3rd and 4th, passed out for almost the entirety of the 5th and visited the Irn Bru Carnival on the 6th.

My birthday was a huge success. I decided against planning it, because I hate planning. The only thing I had loosely suggested was that we go to Curious Curious at Stereo – the idea being that it would piss off Martin and Rab, who had pissed me off by spending their respective birthdays in Bennets and the Cathouse. Stereo was, of course, shut; the single planned part of my evening a complete failure. Instead, we went to Buff Club, which ended up better than I could have asked for.

Turning up with my party were the usual suspects – along with Rab and Martin, there were regular readers Angela and Chris; from high school, Drew, Dani-Su and Nichola Gallacher – the latter two total wildcards. Sandy the teuchter turned up as well – as ever, minus ID; but thankfully it wasn’t a hindrance. Scott and Ross left early, but I am still laughing at their card. I quote: “One year older, one year closer to drag”.

I love Buff Club, and I was Piso Mojado – pretty evident when I met some of the guys I used to be in the band with. I didn’t know they were going to be out, so it was a nice surprise. I jumped on former Midnight Wildcat Andy twice – once over a couch, the second time, landing on his hand. I may have broken him, I have not heard anything back from him. Maybe he’s unable to text.

A couple of the guys I know from work turned up as well, so there were representatives from all different areas of my life. The most noticable unrepresented area – thankfully – was that of people I have been in love with at some stage; even those I have loved pejoratively.

The alcoholism was through the roof. At some point in the night, I stole a very attractive scarf from a stranger; and Dani-Su got in some sort of fight, breaking her elbow. I didn’t even know you could break your elbow! Live and learn.

Drew drove everyone home, with four of us crammed in the back of the car – me minus a seat, of course. At that point in my life I genuinely thought I knew what it meant to fear for my life.

The Irn Bru Carnival made me realise this was just a superficial notion. Drew can drive better than anyone I know, and I trust him with my drunken life. However, whoever created the Stargaze ride at this carnival gains neither respect nor trust; only fear. While the other rides were entertaining at best, the Stargaze left me feeling like I understood 9/11 first hand. I could not stop thinking about how people had the choice of either jumping from hundreds of feet in the air or burning to death. I was unable to breathe because my lungs were under so much pressure. It was horrible. When we came off, Angela eloquently noted that she was “out of service,” because her “vagina feels like it has collapsed in on itself”.

Collectively, we spent about £8 on those rigged claw machines where you have to grab prizes, then watch in horror as your stuffed animal or whatever falls from the weak grip of the tampered claw. I did manage to win Angela a rainbow pony called Princess. She made that weird noise she makes when I did.

That weird noise, by the way, is all over the unpublishable videos I made on New Years Eve and the morning after. My favourite part is where Angie says:

“I look like a tranny!”

In her party-ruined outfit and yesterday’s make-up, I couldn’t disagree. Robert then asserts:

“I smell like a tranny!”

Then I join in:

“I smelt a tranny and I liked it!”

Katy Perry, eat your heart out.


One response to “Reader, I mugged him!

  1. hahahaha, love it!

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