My entire head space has been really messed up for about two weeks. I feel like I’ve done nothing and I’ve done everything. I was/still am sick from some sort of virus and I think the crazy has got into my brain.
I was in Stirling two weeks ago to drop off a painting I had finished for RR Angela. As soon as I got it completed, I thought I would be done with painting for a while; but I have wanted to start another one from the final stroke. I realised lastnight that I had finished using all the canvases I bought a year ago on the day I met one of my close friends Adam.
I met him lastnight for a drink and we were talking about how both of us is messed up in the head. It was strange that we were both in the same messed up headspace and we were trying to figure out if we were crazy, or if it was just everyone else around us who was. People throw that phrase around often without really thinking about what it means, but I think in this instance, for both Adam and me, it was used completely truthfully. It’s quite a powerful statement.
We were also talking about how we see other people. I don’t think I could actually be with someone again in a relationship. I don’t think I’m suited for it and there is noone who really means that much to me to make any sort of sacrifice for. I don’t know what I’d be looking for and I only feel very marginal internal pressure to be with someone. I think there is an expectation for me to care more about these things and that’s the problem: internal pressure caused by external expectations from pointless, unrealistic social constructs. I think it has been made worse because of the crazy brain virus that has made me less able to connect to people and things, but has made me much more aware of being lonely at the same time. Maxwell calls it stir-craziness – I think I need to look into this.
Also, in trying to find some sort of solution to my craziness, I shaved pretty much all my head. Just thought you should know.
I quite like the painting finished – I hated it for a long time, since it was simplistic and the colours were very plain. I changed it from a realistic style into a more abstract realistic style; with more vivid, meaningful colours, as well as changing elements of the composition. The most obvious addition I think is the addition of the design of my tattoo along the entire left side. The two figures are my two best friends, so there is now a visual representation of myself along with them too.
This is the completed painting itself, based on this picture below.